Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Grandma

I know I said yesterday's post was it till next week...but I lied. I had to get one more in before I left.
My Grandma is such a riot. She's the funniest and most down to Earth woman I've ever met. She's a shoots from the hip' kinda gal who doesn't mess around with try'n to be all politically correct or pretentious. She is who she is and says what's on her mind and doesn't give a damn what people think....I think it runs in the family! =) Every now and then something comes out of her mouth (ie. the prostitute comment below) and we all know she's just saying it for the laughs and shock & awe value but most of the time she's not even trying to be funny. She's a little fowl mouthed Italian spit-fire and I LOVE it. I love her. She makes me laugh!

I've blogged about her before....like last June.....and last November.....And again in February....

We spent Sunday afternoon at my parent's house for dinner with the family. Grandma had a visitor from out of town staying with her so we spent the afternoon with them. And Grandma didn't let us down. She had us all in stitches laughing. The fact that she has no clue how funny she is just makes it all the more humorous. We all laugh at her and she looks at us like 'what the hell is so funny?'


So here are bits and pieces of the afternoon's conversations....I was temped to pull out a piece of paper and take notes while visiting because I new I'd forget half of it...and I have....but here are the pieces of conversation that I DO remember.....Those in blue are the Grandma Quotes....

"Maybe I shouldn't be saying this in front of the kids but Gus' (her brother-in-law) friend has been seeing a doctor because he farts from his penis and the......"

....O.....M.....G.... "Did you just say what I think you just said"...we were all ROTFLOAF...... and shaking our heads cause....'uh-oh ~ here she goes'.....

With a very straight and concerned face she says...."NO!...NO!....IT'S TRUE!....IT'S TRUE!....He farts from his penis! And he's been to all kinds of specialty doctors and they can't figure out why!"

fast forward....

"And my poor aunt has this huMONgous wart on her chin with these big thick black long hairs growing from it and you can't help but stare at it cause you're just DIE'n to PLUCK'em"

fast forward....

"Yeah and my poor brother had to get one of his nuts cut off" ...yes, those were her exact words....

fast forward....

"And when Dino's (Grandma's other brother) wife died I called Marge, his girlfriend from long ago who never got married after she and Dino broke up,....and I told her that his wife died.... and so she called Dino....and Dino told her 'but, Marge, it doesn't matter now cause noth'n (wink wink) works anymore'..."

fast forward....

We were talking about a friend seeing a fertility specialist...

"Ahhh...(nodding her head in sincere understanding)....his pencil is all out of lead"

fast forward...

"Man, if I had to do it all over again I'd be the best damn prostitute in town...why save it....saving it is a waste..." This coming from the same woman who used to continuously tell me and all my cousins "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" ......if I had a dime for every time she told one of us that I'd be a rich woman.....that was as close to a "birds and the bees" talk as I ever got!

fast forward....

Talking about raising chickens....

"Yep, we had a chicken farm and we'd go out every day to check for eggs" she then proceeds to demonstrate how they'd check for eggs by licking two fingers and then pretending to stick those fingers up the invisible chicken's 'you know what'...."nope, no egg in there".....repeats the licking and sticking process "nope, no egg in there"....repeats the licking and sticking process..."yep, we got an egg come'n!"


My parents have a cottage on 80 acres up north and the picture below is my Grandma during one of our family trips up there a couple years ago. My parents have a chicken coup and were raising over 50 chickens...so, during the family trip up there we had fresh chicken for dinner. Grandma insisted on cooking the nasty chicken feet because apparently they're the best tasting part of the chicken....a delicacy dontcha know!......I couldn't bare to watch it....I had a little mouth vomit goin on....and a major case of the willy shivers.....I can't even stand to TOUCH feet but you're gonna do WHAT with those nasty things...."Grandma, those feet were walking in their own shit not 3 hours ago....EEEWWWWWW!"

I had a tough time getting over this and thought it was so funny that I had to get a picture of Grandma with the chicken feet. I love this picture....even if it has scarred me for life!



OK folks....that's it till next Monday. I'll try to get the "Moments for Me" mister linky up in the morning but I'll have to work on my post during the day Monday. You all have a good week!

11 comments:

Colleen said...

I love Grandmas. I've had it on my mind for some time now to write a post about my Grandma. *sniff sniff*

Marni Tiani Self said...

OMG!! Bwahahaha! Farts from his penis. Hilarious.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who says I won't blog today and then comes back to do it again.

Oh and can you tell me how to put that box where people can put their links on my page? Pretty pretty please!

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) said...

This is hilarious. It reminds me so much of my grandmother. She always had me rolling in the floor. keep the quotes coming! They made my day.

Dana said...

"farts from his penis" - that is TOOOOO Funny!! That is the funniest thing i've heard in awhile... Thanks fo making my laugh... Or should I say Thanks Grandma!! LOL

We are THAT Family said...

Tooo funny! What a hilarious post.

Kristin H. said...

That post instantly improved my day. She is absolutely hi-lar-i-ous. She'd make a great blogger.

Vintage Dutch Girl said...

That was STEEENKIN hilarious!!!

I'm a soon to be ex-OB RN and full time SAHM. My husband is *almost* done with Dental school, Woot Woot!

Your Gma is HILARIOUS.

:)

common mom said...

Grandma's are the best! Thanks for the fun laughs this morning :-)

Bahama Mama said...

She sounds fabulous! How lucky you are to have her to hang out with!
...I wouldn't eat the chicken feet either.

Meg said...

I think your grandma needs her own blog. Very Funny!!

Karen MEG said...

Your grandma is sooooo funny! I love that shot with the chicken feet.

Now, are you sure she doesn't have any Asian blood in her, as Chicken feet are a big Dim Sum delicacy... not that I go near them on most occasions, but they are a popular dish!!