Monday, April 7, 2008

I'm I the only "normal" and psychologically stable person in this world!?

Seriously, show of hands, I NEED to know that there are other psychologically stable people in this world!!!

So I'm about to tell you what happened to me Saturday afternoon...but before I do I have to explain something...I honestly don't know why I feel the need to explain this but that's the neurotic side of me showing through...maybe I'm not so "stable" after all....

anyhoo...my explanation....

I usually start my post the day before I post it. I actually started the draft of my 100 things about me post back on Friday morning...and was planning to post it on Saturday but it was taking WAAAAAYYYY too long! I can't remember exactly how far I got into it but I CAN tell you that I had made it past the part when I confessed to slamming on my brakes to get people off the ass of my car by the time the following incident occurred on Saturday afternoon. WHEW that was a long sentence...

So here's what happened. I'm on my way to the park to meet my 3 other friends for our 6 mile run. I'm on the freeway jamming to a little of Eminem's "Shake That Ass" trying to be all cool in my minivan...oblivious to how oxymoron-ish that is....I'm going about 70...the speed limit is 70...if you read Sunday's post you know that I don't usually go the speed limit....UNLESS....there is someone in front of me. And there was...a big black truck. I was in the left lane....I'm a patient driver...no big deal. I couldn't go around him because there was a car in the right lane blocking the way but I wasn't in a hurry, so whatever. I happen to glance in my rear view mirror and there is some jack ass in a white jalopy riding my ass...I'm talking he couldn't have been more than 2 feet from my fender. I'm thinking...MAN, wasn't I JUST blogging about this!!! But literally...there was no where to go...I couldn't get around the guy in front of me because, like I said, there was a car next to him in the right lane...and I'll be damned if I'm gonna just move over so this bully can just barrel his way down the highway....not gonna do it! So...I slammed tapped on my breaks....

This LUNATIC then does the typical "fit of fury drive by" only instead of PASSING me on the right he drives directly beside my car (on the passenger side) and is literally like 12 inches from the side of my car!!! Did I mention I was on the Freeway....and did I mention we were going SEVENTY MILES/HOUR!!!!! He rode like that for over a mile!!!!!!! He was so damn close to my car that if I rolled my passenger window down I could have just leaned over a little and picked that nasty little nose that he was flaring at me....he was cussing at me through the windows with wild arm and finger gestures and facial distortions that I've never quite seen before..... and his face was turning a scary shade of crimson that I've also never quite seen before. So for the first several seconds I did my typical passive aggressive smile and wave....trying to act all cool, calm, and collected but in reality my heart was - a - thump'n when I realized that this guy was OUT.OF.CONTROL! He ended up finally getting off on the exit that I was suppose to get off on but he was blocking me the entire way so I couldn't get off.....and so I ended up having to go two miles out of my way to turn around at the next exit.

You ~ crazy ~ fucking ~ lunatic!!! What makes a person THAT crazy? Seriously!?

So the moral of this story is...I'm changing my ways...this world is just too unstable for my passive aggressive tendencies...I just may end up getting myself shot by some road raged lunatic next time. All these years I've always thought I was teaching these people a lesson in patience when all I'm REALLY doing is giving them an excuse to shoot my ass.

So that was Saturday.... ps...if you're interested in reading about my training for the marathon you can do so by reading my other marathon training blog.

SUNDAY! Holy Moly it doesn't get any better than Sunday. 60 degrees, the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, my niece and nephew were over playing with Smurfette (they had spent the night Saturday night...and, yes, we had a little discussion on the proper disposal of pull ups) and we all spent the ENTIRE day outside. We went for a walk, we raked the lawn, we washed the windows, we fertilized the lawn, we did some spring trimming of the landscaping, and some much needed yard sprucing up. The boys had spent the night Saturday night at their friend's house. FAN-TASTIC day!


Around noon the kids were wanting a snack...so I said "why don't you guys all go grab one of the protein bars in the pantry"....they all walk back outside 5 minutes later and Smurfette says to me:


"we decided to have a fiber bar instead....
cause these fiber bars make you fart....
and I really want to fart....."


I take back #94 from yesterday's "100 things about me" post....I stand corrected!


Fast Forward a couple hours.....

The 3 kids were playing and finding a family of "caterpillars"...I didn't have the heart to tell them that those white "caterpillars" were actually the same nasty grubs that were destroying our lawn last year. In case you don't know what a grub looks like....they look like giant maggots....as seen below....








But, whatever, they're kids, they were having fun in their imaginative way collecting a mommy maggot caterpillar and a daddy maggot caterpillar and 3 little baby maggots caterpillars. They all lived in a cozy little house on a little island and lived in happy maggot caterpillar land.



I was trying hard not to freak out while my husband was giving them a lesson on survival and telling them that if they were stranded in the wilderness they could eat them for protein.....omg.....


They were at this for over two hours...the search for the maggots, and then the home set up for the maggots, and then the pretend play with the maggots.... why do I bother buying them toys?


and then they all just disappeared....


they must have gone inside....


So I went in the house to make sure they had listened to Papa Smurf when he told them to be sure to take their shoes off....they were tracking dirt all over the house earlier. I find them in the great room and inspect their feet....yep...they listened....good kids....I go back in the kitchen for a drink of water and hear the following...

5 year old Nephew - "yeah, we'll just say they moved and we'll build them a new house ......and....here, we can put this around them so they don't run away"....

I slowly and ever so calmly walk into the great room to find that these children had moved this family of 5 grubs ON ~ MY ~ COUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K....all together now....one, two, three,......."EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!"


I wont bore you with the details of the following 10 minute "freak - out" session that occurred....


PS - KATE - The Kate that keeps leaving me wonderful bloggy love comments....I need a link to your blog...it's not listed on your profile and I have no idea how to get to it!

10 comments:

Bahama Mama said...

You have to be so careful with the road rage people because I think they really are insane. I got a picture in my head and a heap of anxiety when reading your description. BTW - Mark was 51 yesterday - to my youthful 37 :-) Nothing like marrying an older man to keep you feeling young.

Kate said...

I used to do the same "brake tapping" thing to people who were tyring to ride up my tailpipe. And then one day I encountered an accident on the freeway. After reading the details of it in the paper, I've never done it again.

The accident went like this: guy in chevy blazer driving, guy in little white car following too close for his comfort. Guy in blazer slams on brakes to teach guy in white car a lesson. White car hits blazer, causing it lose control, spin and roll multiple times down the freeway. Guy in blazer DIES.

Sooooo, I try to refrain from using that tactic anymore, even though the urge does occasionally overwhelm me. Not to mention the lunatics with GUNS who wouldn't think twice about bustin' a cap in my ass.

p.s. Yes, yes! Here I am! Please come see me at www.katescrazylife.blogspot.com. I tell ya, I swear you're my internet twin. TOO much alike (from what I've read anyway).

p.p.s. I totally rock out in my mini(van) too, thinking I'm the coolest thing.

B Boys Mom said...

There sure are crazy people out there on the road. What are they like at home? Many year's ago I had a gun pulled out on me on the freeway. I didn't even know what I did! Why do they have to ride our ass, why not just go around. It's really bad when the road's are icy.

Don't you just love kid's and bug's or grub's.

From the other Tammy with a Y.

Mr Lady said...

I am going to pretend that I didn't just see a picture of a bowl of maggots.

Um, Cell Phone? POLICE? I wish you'd called the cops on that guy. Because that's really REALLY scary. I'm glad you're alright!

Domestic Accident said...

That guy sounds very, very scary. Road rage scares the p*ss out of me. I would have been too scared to dial 911 on my cell phone.

And please, please never post a picture of a bowl of maggots again. Smooches!

Heather J. said...

I really can't get passed the could've picked his flaring nose.......

I don't think I couild pass for normal or psychologically stable.

I have a picture of a bucket full of snails from this weekend, which I thought was really disgusting ...your grubs (aka: magots) are soooooo much grosser.

Marni Tiani Self said...

Wow... what fun!

I personally would have been freaking out and leaving the kids with my husband if they were playing with maggots. Yuck. I might have taught them how to spray them to death with raid or something. Eewww!!

Swishy said...

I was totally next to one of those crazytown drivers a few weeks ago and it FREAKED me out! I was like, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?! There are some crazy people out there, for sure.

Colleen said...

Part #1: I feel the same way. Not only are people with road rage bad, but it seems everyone these days is on medication for anxiety or depression or ADHD. Even my adult friends. I'm not doubting these things are real, I'm doubting that ALL THESE PEOPLE I KNOW have them. A-hem.

Part #2: Gross! But funny because it happened to you, not me. :O)

Swistle said...

We had that exact same thing happen to us: my husband was doing the "extra slow behind tailgater" thing, and...well, actually, I guess "exact same thing" covers it.

Next time that happens (because my husband does not learn lessons from situations such as this), I'm calling the police from my cell phone and getting the plate number.