Tuesday, June 3, 2008

No "Mom of the Year" awards here!

It seems I have been deceiving my new dear bloggy friends into believing I'm a "really good mom".

I pride myself on my honesty and so I feel I must set the record straight.

My new bloggy friend Kristin sent me this lovely yet ridiculously delusional comment yesterday......

"Your home looks like a nice place to be. You seem like a really good mom."


This comment put a smile on my face....NOT the kind of smile that says "it's true and I'm happy that someone recognizes it"....

NOT the kind of smile that says "hey, you know what, darn it, I AM a good mom".......

but the kind of smile that says....."Kristin...Kristin....Kristin......you are a funny delusional girl!"....with just a touch of "MWAHAHAHAHA.....SUCKERS!"

If you ask my kids right now what they think of their mother I guaranfuck'ntee you they'd respond with a snort and an emphatic rolling of eyeballs....and then just walk away without an answer. I'm pretty sure my oldest thinks I'm a bitch after yesterday morning's battle when the following conversation took place......

Hefty: Mom, after school can you take me up to Dick's sporting goods so I can buy a pellet gun.
Me: NO
Hefty: Why not, I'll buy it with my own money.
Me: Because you already have one (my brother bought it for him for Christmas) and they make me nervous and I don't like them.
Hefty: MOM (insert eyeroll and throw arms in air).....they're not dangerous....I'm careful....No one will get hurt.....I promise.....
Me: Hefty I said no....this is not open for discussion....you can argue till you're blue in the face...my answer will still be no.
Hefty: OH MY GOD!! (eye roll) (stomp off) (insert a few grumbled words under breath) (insert some more dramatic shakes of the head.....you know the "I can't believe my mom is such a bitch" head shake).

And my middle child hates me right now as he's grounded till the end of the school year. I found out SUNDAY NIGHT that he has a 2 minute speech that he's suppose to be working on and he didn't do ANY of it despite his teacher giving the class time to work on it during school. He was suppose to have the rough draft of his speech ready for yesterday and he's also suppose to have a visual aid. Why did I not know about this? Because the weekly newletter that my son was given almost TWO WEEKS AGO was crumpled up and shoved into the bottom of his backpack and I NEVER GOT IT! I screamed asked him ever so calmly last night what on earth he was doing during the class time he was given for the past 2 weeks. His response? Doing research! Like "duh".


My daughter still worships me and the ground I walk on and thinks I'm the most perfect, beautiful, and cool mommy in all of mommy land. But she's still young. I still have time to change her mind!

And that brings me to Rosey. Our sweet new puppy is climbing my and my husband's shit list ladder. This puppy reFUSES to go pee outside. We have had her out for 3 hours straight knowing full well that she has to go. We will finally give up after a few hours and think maybe she went and we just missed it....because who wants to sit outside ALL DAY watching for a puppy to pee....and we'll bring her in the house....and not 30 seconds later she's peeing on my floor. We were told to put her in the crate immediately if she doesn't pee outside and just take her back outside every 10 minutes until she goes because "dogs won't pee in their own crate"......yeah....RIGHT! It worked for Gracie but not this one. We put her in the crate and she pees EVERY TIME within seconds of being put in there. And, yes, the crate is very tiny with a divider so she has very little room. We've done everything we've been told to do....and she still hasn't peed. She's had 3 baths already since we got her on Saturday and several rinse downs because she pees in her crate and just lays in it. My house reeks like urine. She is now confined to the kitchen until we can get her trained. My husband says last night....referring to Rosey......."she's broken." Then called Randy (Kelly's husband) to ask if they'd be interested in trading puppies.

We were spoiled by Gracie. She was so darn easy to train. It took her a while to learn how to bark at the door to let us know she had to go but as long as we diligently let her out every couple hours she wouldn't have accidents. The few accidents she DID have were our own fault.

Does anyone have any potty training advice....I realize it's only been 3 days....I realize I'm sounding unrealistic in my expectations..... but she WILL NOT pee outside. I don't mind cleaning up accidents as long as I'm seeing some type of progress or HOPE....I'm not seeing any hope....I can't praise her because she won't go pee outside. So WTF do I do???!!!! Yesterday I did start with the loud "NO" and pointing her nose to her pee....(I've been told to actually rub her nose in it but I draw the line there....that's just mean and nasty) I always catch her in the act because I'm always watching her like a hawk.....and I always put her immediately outside. We always put her outside when we see her sniffing about....but we get outside and she won't go....and YES we sit for hours waiting.

Advice.....PLEASE.......

So you see Kristin.....you have been mislead. There will be no "Mom of the Year" nominations in my future.....and I'm OK with that....

12 comments:

Tracey said...

Potty training idea........invest in M&M's. My brother has twin girls. He gave them 1 M&M for peeing in the potty and 2 for a BM. They love it....now that they are potty trained and if someone asks them if they want an M&M they say, "I'm a big girl now I don't eat M&M's anymore."

Kristin H. said...

I still think you seem like a nice mom. The evidence you presented is simply not strong enough to change my mind. So there :)

Marni Tiani Self said...

Cute post. :)

Domestic Accident said...

I need stronger evidence as well.

As for the puppy, I never tried this, but a trainer suggested keeping the dog on a leash and attached to you inside the house and then when you catch her in the act of tinkling inside, you scold her and sweep her up and outside.


This too will pass, right?

THopgood said...

LOL...Tracey....Rosie is a DOG! I'm guessing the vet wouldn't approve of giving a dog chocolate! LMAO! I'm laughing because I'm not sure how you missed that with all the talk about putting her in a crate and peeing outside...and rubbing her nose in it....you must think we're abusive hillbillies....I may not be the "mother of the year" candidate....but I'm certainly not making my kids sniff their shit!

Kelly said...

Tammy........remember our conversation in the car about the lady with the leash tied to her at all times!!!! LMAO


M&M's.......that is a hoot!!!

Happy2bme said...

LOL!!! I love this post. ALL OF IT!!

As for the children - somedays I can see I'm starting to change my son's mind that I'm really not as nice as he once thought. But I am still the smartest person in the universe so that's a plus.

As for the puppy - As you probably read from my previous posts I'm not having an easy time with the potty training either. So when you get the magic advice, please come to my blog and let me know the secret because I am definitely missing something. Our "Buddy" is getting much better but he's 8 months and we still have at least one accident a day. It's so frustrating.

Happy2bme said...

OHMIGOSH!! Now I am laughing so hard at your comment back to Tracey. Oh Tracey - tracey - tracey. Poor gal!

Dana said...

oh you're a great mom!! I really liked this post - very cute!

And your middle chhild will get over it - hey, he should have done his work!

LittlePaintedPolkaDots said...

Oh Tammy - - I just want to hug you because you are funny, and you make me laugh, and YOU ARE a darn good momma. Oh yes, and you used the word "guaranfuck'ntee" in a sentence. Love it! Good luck with little Rosie. She is very very cute!!

Christy said...

It took us FOUR MONTHS to train our last dog. There was no magical solutions. Just time and routine. Except my dog was even worse than your dog, because she would shit in her crate and lay in it. So disgusting.

Danielle said...

I am in tears thinking about the first comment that suggested M & M's- especially in light of the rubbing the nose in it part of the post. That was too freaking funny. and you sound like a darn good mom to me.