Wednesday, July 30, 2008
As a teenager and young adult, however, I was a dramatic-oh-woe-is-me-self-pitying-ass-hole....as most teenagers and young adults are. Actually, I should probably narrow that down even more to teenage GIRLS and young adult WOMEN...as I don't think this dramatic sorrow afflicts most young men the same way.
My father died when I was five. I spent the better part of my life up to young adult hood dwelling, mourning, and grieving over that fact. I wrote in a journal to my dad almost daily. I prayed every night...not to God...but to my Dad. Was constantly dwelling on the what coulda beens and what shoulda beens of my life and just generally feeling sorry for myself. I ENJOYED being sad and would purposely MAKE myself sad. I would sit in my room and play sad music and MAKE myself cry. Pathetic.
But somewhere along the way self preservation kicked in and I decided that self pitying melancholy is quite unhealthy. Depressing even. And I decided that was not how I wanted to live my life.
I pushed the self pity aside and stopped dwelling on thoughts of my Dad. This was a conscious decision. When thoughts creeped in...I replaced those thoughts. When sad songs played....I changed the station. I still to this day HATE sad movies. Movies like "The Titanic", "Philadelphia" & "Step Mom" will NOT be played in my presence. They're depressing and they suck!
But I'm human. And every now and then when the hormones are raging....like now for instance....and hubby is out of town....like now for instance.....the thoughts invade my brain and WILL NOT LEAVE.
It started this afternoon....in the car....having a conversation with my daughter.
"Mommy, I miss Gracie, when can we see her again?"
"Honey, we can't see Gracie....she's in doggy heaven"
"Ummm? (insert uncomfortable chuckle) Way up in the sky above the clouds"
"Will we see her when we die?"
"I believe we will"
This is an abbreviated version of the conversation as it continued on for almost an entire 30 minute car ride. 30 minutes of question like...why do people die?...when will we die?....what happens when we die?....will we see God when we die?....who will be my mommy when you die?....ugh....
My daughter is obsessed with the topic of death and dieing. I think it may be a phase as I've heard other parents say the same about their own kids who are roughly the same age. She wants to talk about it ALL. THE. TIME. Heaven is such an abstract concept and difficult for even adults to grasp....how do you explain Heaven to a five year old? It makes me desperately uncomfortable because I don't know how to answer her little five year old self.
This conversation reminded me that my daughter is almost exactly the same age I was when my Dad passed away. I also remember shortly after he died my Mom took me and my brother (along with other family members) on a trip to California. While in the plane, (I remember this like it was yesterday) I was looking out the window and in awe at how beautiful it was above the clouds. I remember asking my mom "Is this Heaven?" I remember her chuckling a little...the way adults do when they are perhaps a little uncomfortable with answering a child's question....and she said "yes." I remember looking around at all the clouds bright with the reflection of the sun and then asking "then where's daddy?"
I have only a few scattered memories of my dad.
1) I remember when he was sick my parents chose to prepare me for the inevitable. I remember them telling me that "daddy was sick but the doctors couldn't find the right needle to make him better." He didn't LOOK sick to me. I remember him coming home one day....I'm not sure if he was coming home from work or the doctors or somewhere else....but I remember when he walked through the door asking him "did the doctors find the right needle yet." I remember he kind-of chuckled and said "no." The funny thing about that is I believed that story all the way up until my tween years. I remember being in the car with my mom one day when I was somewhere between the ages of 10 & 12 and saying "mom, if the doctors lost the needle to help dad then can't you sue them or something?" I wasn't the brightest child. That was the first time she explained to me that they had told me that story because how else do you explain to a five year old that daddy is dieing. I was only five and wouldn't understand words like leukemia, chemotherapy, prognosis....
2) I remember sitting on the floor with my Dad and younger brother and rolling a ball back and forth between the three of us.
3) I remember standing in front of my Dad while he sat on the floor in our front room. I thought he was making funny faces at me and I ran away laughing. I over heard him ask my mom "what is she laughing at?" and my mom saying "you were biting the inside of your cheek and I think she thinks you were making funny faces at her." I wonder if cheek biting is hereditary because I habitually bite the inside of my cheek.
4) I remember going on a helicopter ride with just me and my dad. Someone (I can't remember who) when I was younger said that there was no way I went on a helicopter ride with my Dad....because helicopter rides aren't done...or not allowed....or something of that nature. I thought it was my mom that told me that but I was wrong. So this person had me believing that this memory was dreamed up. I never discussed this memory with my mom until a few years ago. I said "I don't care what anyone says...I REMEMBER being in a helicopter or a small plane with just me and dad." She confirmed my memory. She told me that YES he did....he set up this private helicopter or small plane ride after he was diagnosed and he wanted me to remember that helicopter ride. I wasn't crazy after all. I remember trying to stand on the seat because I was too short to see out the window....I remember him pointing down and saying "LOOK, there's our house".....but there were 100s of houses and I couldn't figure out how he could possibly tell which one was ours. I remember being disappointed because he made me sit down.
5) I remember I had gotten in trouble for something and was sent to my room. I remember my dad walking in my bedroom after awhile and I pretended to be asleep. I remember him sitting on the edge of my bed and stroking my hair in silence for several minutes before walking out again to let me "sleep."
6) I remember being at someone's house....a friend of my dad's....possibly his boss?....or a co-worker?.....and I remember them sitting me on top of a unicycle (which felt like it was 6 feet tall) and trying to teach me how to ride it.
7) I remember the day I got my ears pierced...I had just turned 5....and I remember being very excited to come home to show my dad.
8) I remember one night my dad was laying on the couch and he said "Mama Smurf (I guess it would have been baby smurf back then), will you do me a favor" with a very serious tone....I, of course, eager to please said "yes"......"will you please go to the bathroom for me cause I really have to go". I walked half way to the bathroom before I realized that he was just kidding.
9) I remember what I THINK was the last time I saw my dad. He was at the hospital. In a hospital bed. With an oxygen nasal cannula in his nose. I remember that it was a very short visit. I remember that he looked sick. This was the only time I remember seeing him LOOK sick. I remember being disappointed that we had to leave and I remember being disappointed and hurt because I was told that I couldn't kiss his face goodbye. I could only kiss his hand. Now the nurse in me realizes that he was probably on neutropenic precautions....but my 5 year old self didn't know that at the time.
10) I remember the day he died. I remember a house full of family members (my Dad was the oldest of 8) and I remember my mom pulling me into my bedroom, shutting the door, and sitting next to me on my bed. The room was dark. The shades on the window were pulled down. She explained that daddy was in heaven. I remember walking out of the room and into the bathroom to dry the tears. I remember walking into the front room to a room full of questioning eyes.
11) I remember the funeral home. I remember sitting on my mom's lap crying with my brother. I also remember being in a sitting room in the funeral home playing on the floor with other kids and laughing.
And that is literally the entire list of EVERYthing I remember. 11 random memories. That's it.
So, looking at my 5 1/2 year old daughter today...I can't help but wonder what she will remember about these days of her life. This 5th year of her life. I guess that sounds a little morbid. But that's why I write this blog. To record not only memories for my kids to look back on and laugh about in the future but to record who I am.
I've heard people criticize bloggers as being narcissistic. And maybe it is narcissistic to constantly be talking about myself and my family. Maybe I am slightly narcissistic. There....I said it.
But I remember snooping around my parents' bedroom one day as a teenager and coming across my Dad's diary that he kept while he was in Vietnam. There were only a hand full of entries in that diary..... but to read my Dad's writing and see his sense of humor and get a glimpse of the man he was through the words he wrote was like a treasure to me.
I'm not a writer. I have no aspirations to be a writer. I'm sure the writers in this bloggy world cringe at my grammar and punctuation mistakes and my misspelled words. I'm sure the perfect wholesome church going mothers cringe at my foul mouth and sometimes inappropriate stories. And I'm OK with that. This is who I am. I don't let my kids read my blog right now. Obviously. But one day when they are adults and have kids of there own I hope they will. Or maybe my Great Grandkids will sit down with my kids one day the way I have with my Grandmother and learn about this family through my little blog entries.
So what does my teenage drama and my random memories and my daughter's obsession with death and my reasons for blogging have to do with each other?? I have absolutely no fucking idea and now that I've ranted on and on about all this drivelling (is that a word?...it is now!) nonsense I'm reading it over and realizing that I've gone on and on about a bunch of shit that has only loose (at best) connection with each other. But then that's what hormones do to me. They turn me into a hormonal emotional irrational mess. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the hormones and more to do with the red wine I've been sucking down. Did I mention my husband is out of town. Yeah. He's out of town.
Dudes...for those of you who have stuck it out and read this entire rediculously long post....you rock....(add a double tapping fist to chest peace out sign)....
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
1. I've seen EVERY.SINGLE.EPISODE of both the Mary Tyler Moore Show and I love Lucy. I will never change the channel if either of those shows are on. I became hooked on falling asleep to Nick @ Nite when those shows were being played nightly several years ago...and was irrationally sad when they stopped airing them. Now I'm forced to watch George Lopez and Family Matters....quality TV programming right there.....UGH....
2. I'm 5' 3.5" and have fluctuate between 140 and 145 pounds for the past 5 years. I've also been on 108 different diets in the last 5 years trying to lose 15 - 20 pounds. All this running and I haven't lost a single "f"ing pound....how is that possible? I'm seriously considering joining a "boot camp" at Lifetime Fitness when this marathon is over.
3. I wear a size 7.5 or 8 shoe....used to be 6.5 or 7 shoe before I had kids. Running shoes are an 8.5.
4. If I had my pick of anywhere to live in the US (and could bring my entire family with me) I would want to live in the Carolinas.
5. For my 40th birthday...I'm all about thinking ahead...I want a full body Cat Scan.
6. When that Cat Scan comes back clean I want a tummy tuck, a boob lift, and some thigh / ass suckage....in that order.....Yes, I'm THAT vane...vain? I don't know the proper spelling of that word...and really don't care....
7. I suck at spelling....I have an electronic dictionary in my purse and another in my scrapbooking tool kit....and I'm usually too lazy to pull it out to use it....like right now for instance!
And that's it. Now I'm tagging anyone who cares to participate.
I've also been given a wonderful award by Rachel....she says I make her smile....which makes me smile....Thank you Rachel!
I'd like to pass this on to Marny because she makes me smile and she could use a smile right now as she has recently lost a loved one. And Kate...because anyone deserves a smile after a long weekend of camping ;-). And Leslie because....dude, she lives in Chile...and has 2 young children....and although I can't offer her Valium a smile can't hurt. And Christy because she has had a household chore injury and could also use a smile. And that's it. Many others have already gotten this award. So I'll stop there. Edited to add: And how could I have forgotten Kristin...she just started running and I totally have a soft spot for runners =)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday was a day full of birthday parties. Party #1 was at my Brother and SIL's house for my 2 nieces' birthdays. One turns 13 and the other turns 4.
After the family party we headed over to the friend party. This was a Hawaiian themed surprise 40th birthday party for M's husband, J. Remember my post about M? We had a good time. Most of the guests spent the evening playing drinking games....as in "chugging beers and downing shots" drinking games. That's just not my cup of tea. But there's no better way to spend an evening than to sit around watching drunk people play drinking games. Seriously. The birthday boy was trashed and making comments like "maaannnnnn, I'm so vuck'n sEXy whegn I'm dis drung"...said complete with lip snarl and growl. We made a somewhat early exit because our poor puppy had been locked up all day.
Here's a few pictures....J is the one with the dark blue shirt and tiki hat.
Sunday, Hubby and I attended a fundraising progressive dinner for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society with some friends. We had a fantastic time. We went to 4 different restaurants...all of which were delicious. McCormick and Schmick's for appetizers, Shula's for Salad, Morton's for the entree, and The Melting Pot for dessert. I was in a serious amount of gluttonous pain when we were done. Lots of yummy food and funny conversation with wonderful friends makes for a very enjoyable evening! =)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday 7/25 - Traci and I ran 14 miles today! Finished with an 11:24 average pace. That's our best long run average yet. The improvements seem to be coming by leaps and bounds now. Maybe that "better than 5 hour" marathon goal isn't so out of reach after all! Today's run felt Ok until the last 3 miles...I was suffering! Thank God I had Traci to run with because without her there is little doubt I would have crawled back on hands and knees.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Back in ancient civilization, when I was in 5th grade ;-), my family moved from one city to another at the tail end of the school year.
Here's me and Michelle during our visit to the mall last week.....doesn't she look a lot like her Grandmother?
And our daughters.
I bought TWO fabulous pairs of sun glasses. One for every day use.......
And I bought these capris for my daughter....they were 50% off of the CLEARANCE price and an additional 15% off THAT!! WOOOOO! I also got some other fabulous finds when I bought these for my daughter but they're a gift for a certain pregnant friend of mine and she's nosey....so I can't post the pictures of those....LOL!
I don't get to go shopping often....but when I do? LOOK OUT!
Monday, July 21, 2008
From there we headed to Applebee's for a casual dinner for two. Did I mention we were without children. Well, I think it deserves repeating. We were without children. I ordered my favorite....Shrimp and Spinach salad....and enjoyed uninterrupted conversation with my incredibly intelligent, funny, and witty husband....and I'm not just saying that because he let me spend a small fortune.
From there we stopped back at the house to let our poor dog out. The house was empty. It was mid-afternoon and the children were gone. Some events from the evening are not appropriate blog material....but let me say it again.....the children were gone......
We then headed to what we were hoping would be an obnoxiously fun evening at DTE to watch Kid Rock and Rev Run in concert.
Here's where I stop my story to tell you a little about myself....
When I was young(er)....lets say pre-children....I was a party lover. I was one of those girls who loved going to bars. I chose bars based on the crowd with a "the more the merrier" attitude. Shoulder to shoulder crowded dance bars were a plus. The louder the music and the louder I had to scream over the music the better. If the crowd consisted primarily of drunk & obnoxious patrons....I was happy....probably cuz I blended right in. I enjoyed the crowd, I enjoyed the dancing, I enjoyed the obnoxiousness, I enjoyed a good time. Every now and then I'd come across a fuddy duddy in the crowd who would thumb their nose at the obnoxiousness of the crowd and I would think to myself....and well, let's be honest here.....sometimes SAY to said fuddy duddy...."lighten up and have a little fun."
Things have changed.
I don't know WHEN....I don't know HOW...but they've changed....drastically.
We drove to the concert in the rain. The sky didn't offer much hope for the rain ending any time soon. We had lawn "seats." I've never had lawn "seats." But how bad could it be. We didn't think to grab umbrellas and my dear party animal concert going friend KELLY told us not to bother bringing chairs or blankets because it would be shoulder to shoulder standing room only. Did I mention we forgot umbrellas....did I mention it was pouring....did I mention we WERE ON A MUDDY SLIPPERY STEEP HILL OF A LAWN!
We arrived an hour early to stake our claim on a small portion of
mud lawn. We had a good view. We also discovered on our way in a small booth selling plastic tarps, ponchos and umbrellas among other things. So all was not lost. We purchased a couple umbrellas and a plastic tarp to sit on and I was happy. This isn't so bad. As time progressed the crowd grew thicker and thicker. And drunker and drunker. And the ground became more and more slippery with each passing minute of rain.
Do you know what happens when drunk people try to climb very crowded and very steep and slippery slopes?
They fall on you....
They dump their beer in your lap....
They break your umbrella.....
They break your sandal.....did I mention these are my favorite pair of Crocs.....
They nearly break your foot when they land on it.
The six square foot area that we had claimed with our plastic tarp shrunk to five.....
.....three............TWO square feet......
Until It was literally shoulder to shoulder on the lawn. So Kelly you were right...I won't kick you in the shin after all. ;-)
Oh, but that's OK. I'll just have another beer. If you can't beat'm..... join'm. I got up to use the rest room and purchase a beer.....with my broken sandal and swollen foot. By the time I was ready to return to my "seat" .......with umbrella in one hand and a full beer in the other.....the crowd had thickened to cattle herd proportions. I had 27 beers dumped on me, poked 83 eyeballs out with my umbrella, was stepped on 566 times & elbowed 324 times, and got lost. I couldn't find my hubby among the 20,000 sardines. So I stood and sulked. And pouted. And drank. I couldn't even smoke a damn cigarette because my hubby had them with him. And even if I HAD a cigarette to smoke....I couldn't smoke it anyway because my hands were full with umbrella and beer. Yeah, I was happy. And by the time I finally found my husband....I had to pee again. All this and the concert hadn't even started yet. Are we having fun yet?
It was at this time that I came to a very disturbing realization. I have become that fuddy duddy. That crotchety old person. The party pooper. The priss. The stick-in-the-mud (pun intended).
And I'm OK with that.
With all that said Kid Rock put on an awesome show.
But I can now say with 150% certainty that I will NEVER get lawn "seats" again.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sunday 7/13 - MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH! Ran 3 miles straight through! NO walk breaks!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Hot diggity dog! I highly recommend not eating a salad with green onion and cucumber before running......just say'n....
Monday 7/14 - Went out with every intention of running 6 miles....but....well.....I didn't make it. Rough day. VERY HOT & VERY HUMID! Only made it 3 and I actually walked the last 1/2 mile of it. UGH! This heat is killing me.
Tuesday 7/15 - Went out for 6 and got eaten alive. I have no less than 15 mosquito bites. Still hot and humid but I managed it a little better today. Did 9/2 intervals...it was just too hot to try to push for more. Finished with 11:47 average pace. I keep hoping to improve my time cause I'd like to be able to finish this marathon in under 5 hours.... but I'm think'n it's just not gonna happen. I will be wearing mosquito repellent from now on!
Wed & thurs....totally dropped the ball - way too damn hot -
Friday 7/18 - Ran 9 with a 11:57 average pace. Did 1 mile run/ 2 minute walk intervals. Felt great till the last mile when the sun was beating down on us...it killed me. It was already 83 degrees out by the time we finished at 9am....suppose to get up to 94 today. Don't get me wrong. I love the heat...in fact, the hotter the better....but not when I run.
I think my heel problem is solved...I've been exclusively using my new running shoes for the last 2 weeks and my heel is feeling much better now. I think my old shoes were just spent with no cushion left.
New goal....I just would like to beat my time from last years' marathon....I don't think my original under 5 hour goal is realistic at this point. I started back up too late. I should have never stopped running after last years marathon! I could kick myself.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
If you ever find yourself a little tipsy entertaining a room full of tipsy friends....and the conversation takes an inappropriate turn....and you make an inappropriate comment with sexual undertones....you should probably first check to make sure that your 11 yr old isn't within ear shot before making said joke. He just may call you on it and say "eh-hem....um...mom....you should probably be careful cuz I GET these jokes now...."
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I added his music because.....drum roll please....
HUBBY AND I ARE GOING TO SEE KID ROCK IN CONCERT THIS SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!! Man, I'm just feeling like a party animal these last couple weeks. Like I should be walking around saying "what up dawg" (with appropriate hand/arm gestures of course), Or maybe walking around with a little bit of butt crack or thong showing, or maybe....just maybe.....I'll be REALLY party animal-ish and get a tongue or nose or belly button piercing. I'm feeling another mid-life crisis approaching....consider yourself warned!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Friday - The boys had a friend (we'll call him "D") spend the night Thursday night. I was driving the three of them to gymnastics Friday afternoon and the following conversation took place...we'll call it "The Righteous Indignation of Pre-Adolescence"...
T2 - Our school is so stupid - we can't even wear flip flops to school! (said with disgusted snarl on his face)
T3 - I know! (hmph) We can't even wrestle at recess!
D - Can you believe we're not even allowed to run on the concrete at recess?!
Me - They just want to keep you safe and injury free while you're on school grounds because they're responsible for you. (I may as well have grown a second head for this "mom commentary")
T1 - They treat us like babies. What do they think will happen, we do all those things at home all the time and don't get hurt.
T2 - Yeah....and we can't even wear tank tops.
T3 - Yes we can, they just can't be spaghetti straps..
D - The sleeves of all our shirts have to be wider than my principle's hand.
I didn't say another word for fear of growing a third head.
Friday evening - The Martina McBride concert.
I was excited about this concert for so many reasons. Reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with being a Matina fan. I'm not. Don't know her songs. Didn't even know what she looked like until I google searched her when I found out I was going. I was thrilled to be out with friends, I was thrilled to be going to ANY concert because I love music, I was thrilled to get all girlied up, and last but certainly not least.....I was thrilled to FINALLY get a chance to wear these......
I bought these shoes several months ago. I bought them for their cuteness. I bought them for their sassyness. I did NOT, however, buy them to wear with any particular outfit. I have a shoe problem. I buy shoes because I love them and then bring them home to discover that I have nothing to wear them with. I made it work tonight because I was determined to wear them. Don't I look fabulously tall in the photo below?
Yeah, I'm not. Fabulously tall that is. It's the shoes! I'm actually only 5'3".
This is my wonderfully forgiving and beautifully fabulous friend and neighbor, L....yes, the same L that I stood up at breakfast several weeks ago.
I didn't bring my good camera with me so the photos aren't so great. But here's Martina. I tell ya....I must have been living under a rock.....how on earth could I not have heard that voice before. Holy HELL that chick can sing. And she's just Gawgeous!
Saturday - This was Hubby's father's last weekend visiting so we had hoped to all spend the day at the zoo. But the weather wasn't cooperating. So we took the kids to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda (very cute). And then did a little walking through the new outdoor mall before dinner at PF Changs.
I was reminded once again why I never have pictures of Thing 2....all the other boys were off doing one thing and my little Thing 2 was perfectly content wandering around doing his own thing.
After the water park we came home to start dinner and spend our last evening with Grandpa.
How was yours?